One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 6)

If you have the good fortune to stay alive 48 years, you can’t help but learn a few things. I hope this saves you some of the trouble. If swelling, discoloration, or bleeding occurs, put down the list and notify your physician.

#31 Pretend that you belong somewhere, and people will usually assume you do.

#32 Never. Call. The. Cops. There is no bad situation that can’t be made worse by the addition of the authorities.

#33 Stay limber. You will be glad you did when the cops show up and/or people finally realize that you do not belong.

#34 For fuck’s sake, keep your hands off of your fucking face! Stroking your chin in a pantomime of deep consideration is, in reality, anything but. This is how you get sick all the time.

#35 I was a smart kid but not very wise. Now, I’m wise as hell but still do things that aren’t very smart. Endeavor to be both and see where you end up.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 5)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 4)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 3)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 2)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 1)

Advertisements

Gotta take either more of it or less of it #32014

Taking public transportation to and from the City every day affords one a unique perspective on fellow travelers. Buses are, by nature, pretty big, but maybe because they’re so damn ubiquitous—like the proverbial elephant in the room—no one sees them. The casual glance out the window and down rewards even the mildly curious (or bored) rider with a veritable cross-section of humanity—a good portion of whom at any time will be engaged in every type of ill-advised behavior for a person operating a motor vehicle.

In the year and change since I started leaving the truck back in the holler, I’ve witnessed “drivers” texting, shaving, cutting their hair, doing their makeup, eating cereal, reading the paper, reading a book, and exchanging pleasantries with their passenger(s). If you know what I mean.

This morning, however, took the cake. While rolling through the tony enclave of Ross, a driver pulled alongside the bus and started smoking dope off a piece of tinfoil with a blowtorch. Really. I couldn’t tell what he was smoking, or which way he was headed—up or down—but he was actually driving better than 80% of the folks on the road, so I’m guessing some kind of animal tranquilizer cut with raspberry ketones. It was Ross, after all.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 5)

This is the distillation of what I’ve learned in 47 years, call ’em “life squeezin’s” for the lack of a better term. Personal application may cause serious rash and/or burning. Contents may have settled. Objects are much, much closer than they appear.

#26 Sweatpants are for sweating. Wearing them away from home for any other reason sends the signal that you’ve completely given up or are ill. Go change.

#27 Coffee is magic.

#28 Never trust a man who wears shoes with no socks, unless in the tropics, then avoid sock-wearers at all cost.

#29 If asked to leave a job, do not burn it down on the way out; all parties may become desperate enough to revisit this relationship.

#30 Do not, under any circumstances, return. This rule applies to women and bands* as well, only more so.
*Unless you’re Ozzy, but you’re not.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 4)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 3)
One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 2)
One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 1)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 4)

More helpful hints I’ve stumbled across in 46 years of lurching about. These suggestions may or may not work for you. Contents may have settled. Objects are much closer than they appear. Don’t turn your back.

#21 Stairs are nature’s Stairmaster. Use them whenever possible.

#22 Always carry some cash, hidden even from yourself. Something between $20 and $50. Although nothing bigger than a $20, you won’t be able to break it when you need to.

#23 Choose a day—Sunday’s a good one—and every week get rid of 10 things. Give them away, recycle them, set them on fire; it doesn’t matter. Live like the plane is going down. It’s time to jettison cargo.

#24 A grown man needs a muffin like he needs a heart attack. Have some fruit you fat bastard.

#25 Don’t be so hard on yourself.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 3)
One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 2)
One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 1)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 3)

The minute you stop learning, you start getting stupider; I think Bob Dylan said that. I don’t know about you, but I can’t really afford that. Here are some more things I’ve figured out during the last 46 years kicking around this big blue marble. These suggestions may or may not work for you. Contents may have settled. Objects are closer than they … Watch out!

#16 Admit when you are wrong. Eat crow, it will not kill you (although it could use some hot sauce).

#17 Always carry a bottle of hot sauce.

#18 Don’t subscribe to negativity. Bear witness to others’ pain but don’t make it your own, and—for fuck’s sake—don’t spread it around.

#19 If you need to be somewhere out of your range at a particular time, bring a map. Don’t rely on technology or the kindness of others; they’re both fine but flawed.

#20 If you have time to kill—get lost.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 2)
One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 1)

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 2)

Here is more distilled essence of what I’ve learned in 46 years on (and occasionally off) this earth. These suggestions may or may not work for you. Contents may have settled. Objects are closer than they appear. As is your doom.

#11 Do not blurt; think before you open your mouth. No one is called an idiot for carefully considering a well-measured response.

#12 Declarations of love (or friendship, or solidarity), however, should not be postponed. Life is short.

#13 Things that should never be lent out: knives and guitars … actually, anything that can kill or maim if used correctly.

#14 Don’t curse so much, Goddamn it! What the fuck is wrong with you?

#15 Be kind to others—even if they’re rude pricks. This will either show the error of their thinking or get them to drop their guard so you can punch them in the neck.

One Man’s Manifesto (Pt. 1)